Warning: Long post and possible use of vulgar words ahead.

So.. here I am, seating at the corner of my bed staring on the screen of my Notebook. I’ve got so many things on my head that I wanted to talk about, so much anger to vent, so much disappointment to share, so much sadness… but I just can’t seem to put them into words. I’m just not good in letting my feelings out. As a matter of a fact, someone actually pointed out to me that I am the kind of person who doesn’t let my feelings out. I don’t show how I really feel and I don’t tell what’s really going on my mind.

True.

In fact, all these years I’ve been keeping a secret that I have told no one. And there are times when I think about it, it felt like I could go into deep depression (which thankfully never happens!). Although I DID done something stupid for it… but that’s old story. I have promised myself that I would NEVER do such stupid thing to myself again. NEVER.

That said, let’s move on to another topic. I’d like to talk about the weather. Hmm.. it was a strange weather yesterday. First of all, when I woke up in the afternoon, it was a bright and sunny day. I noticed that one of my plants had began to flower.

I have no idea what this plant is called, but the flower looks a lil like the orchids. When I bought the plant from Jusco about a month ago, there weren’t any flowers then and I didn’t know this plant produces flower! So when I saw those pretty little purples, I was in high spirit.

So excited that I decided to do my piling laundry.

But like I said in many of my previous posts before: Mother Nature doesn’t seem to fancy my laundry. The moment I finished hanging all the clothes outside, the weather turned gloomy. An hour later, it rained. So much for making my day, huh?

But wait. There’s more to it. I went back into my room and weighed myself on the bathroom scale. To my disappointment, I didn’t lose weight at all. Last week I lost 2kg and I was expecting another 2 kg this week. But NOOOOO.. everything just had to be bad news for me. Heavy rain and fats that won’t go away.

Irritated, I decided to starve myself. I ate half an apple for the day. Yes. Just HALF AN APPLE for the day. And you might think that’s the end of my story for the day, eh? There’s more to it (again!). Apparently, starvation turns me into a very angry woman. I got really angry for little things like seeing a pile of clean plates in the kitchen. I picked the plates and kept them in the cabinet but not without screaming: “WHY DO I HAVE TO DO ALL THESE?!” “FOR FUCK SAKE, I AM NOT THE AMAH!” And when I saw those “plastic containers” (those containers you get when you ordered take away foods) sitting under the clean plates, I got mad again.

“WHO THE FUCK USES PLASTIC CONTAINERS WHEN YOU CAN USE PLATES?!!”

And I dumped those into the bin. When I’m done venting my anger in the kitchen, I went upstairs and scrub the walls of my bathroom. I cleaned the toilet, I scrubbed the sink, I brushed the floor, wiped the window…. and then I moved on to my bedroom. I changed the bed sheet, dust the blanket, mopped the floor, wiped the cupboard, arranged the books.. etc. By the time I’m done with my bedroom, I felt like I was gonna pass out. I was extremely tired, angry.. and most of all.. HUNGRY. So I sat on the stairs, head on my knees and cried.

You see.. when I’m angry, I clean stuff. I do that all the time, but today was different. I was cleaning with an empty stomach and obviously, I was starving. But thank goodness I finally came to my senses again. I used all the energy that’s left in me to get myself a burger. To hell with diet, I’m gonna eat whatever I want.

So in short: Being hungry is depressing. :-P

Oh my, this must be the longest entry I’ve ever made in this blog so far. But who cares.. this is my personal blog afterall. And besides, where else could I be pouring out my feelings when it comes to my personal emotions, no?